This season has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life. I have been pressed, pushed, molded, on fire, more than any other season I can imagine. I have been challenged to give when I have nothing to give. I have been challenged to speak when I have nothing to speak and challenged to listen when I have everything to say. I have been called to respond to things beyond my comprehension. I have pushed things forward that without the grace of God would never have moved (have you tried pushing a mountain on your own latey? Exactly).
I have grown in relationonal love. I have grown in my knowledge of my own depravity. I have grown in my understanding of my own sin and wickedness... the dark tar pit places of my soul that try to consume everything and cause thing to get stuck. I have grown weary. I have overcome. I have been overcome. It has been joyous. It has been hard. It has been glory after glory and shame turned into glory, ashes turned to beauty. There are more ashes... but there is more beauty.
I have touched my own arrogance, my own loftiness, my own understanding that I have it together and know what I'm doing and can do it when it's obvious I have no clue. I have sat and cried for hours over brokenness. I have laughed for hours filled with drunkenness (of the Spirit :) ).
I have watched my friends grow, be challenged, wrestle, pursue dreams and do things I never would imagine... they are so awesome and brave.
I have let new people love me, explore me, and get to know me... and am learning to recieve their love and kindness. I have poured myself into them and am allowing them to do the same for me. I am learning to recieve their love. I am learning to recieve His love through them.
I have watched my nephew hang on for life and see God come through everytime. I have seen a family laugh with tears streaming their face as they celebrate a fragile life so cloe to God.
I have watched my brother mature into a father, a house man, taking care of his yard and doting on his pregnant, beautiful wife.
I have watched my parents suprise me with their newness, their passion and their hearts.. their obedience and love for the Lord. I have been inspired by them, encouraged my them, and loved by them.
I have watched family come around me and love me, support me, bless me and take genuine interest in me... there is beauty for ashes.
Friends, we are about to enter 2012 (at least on the Jewish Calendar.. the new year is in September). If 2011 has taught me anything it's that I don't know. And the reality is we don't know. We don't understand. We don't get it. But we try to hard to pretend that we do. True rest, true beauty, true freedom is found when we let go of what we think we know and grab hold of the unknown, the one who is daily revealed in new ways, the one who is mystery and vulnerability all in one... the one we will know for eternity. Let Him know and you follow... it's the only way. I am learning to let go of all I think I know to embrace the one I know who knows me. Who fuly knows me. I want Him to know and me to follow what He knows.
I love him.
Shabbot Shalom, and Happy New Year...to the year of the unknown...No one knows what this year holds... except One. GLORY
AZ
