And so it begins...

At first I thought I was going to type my whole story and fill everyone in and get everyone up to speed on life, health, etc, but I decided that that's not really how I can do this.  So, I'm inviting you on a daily (or every couple days daily) journey of my life, and as this journey unfolds so will the story behind the journey.  :)
Today was the fourth of July... as I'm sure you are all aware.  I was blessed to spend it with new friends...it was an uplifting and encouraging time. 

I've been struggling lately alot with dissapointment and self doubt.  Just yesterday (perhaps the day before yesterday) I came to terms with a huge revelation... that I was really angry with God, and holding onto that anger because of confusion.  When I was 9 years old I was taken advantage of sexually by a friend...this continued on regularly for about three years.  When it stopped it I was completely discarded from this friend's life---they got involved with other friends of mine, but I was dropped.  It was devastating to say the least.  This journey I'm on of health, i'm realizing, is a journey of true healing and restoration into the wounding that took place as a nine year old with this betrayal.  In fact, I recently started going to a nutritionist and long story short ( I may share the full version sometime.. if you wanna hear it ask:) ), through some natural testing it turns out my weight gain is directly related to the abuse... it was my body's way of protecting myself.  At our latest session we dealt with the lies that kept my body protecting itself this way and addressed the trauma that took place, freeing me from this need of protectionism.  Interesting to note, as my nutritionist shared this, I noted that, though yes I was a chubby child, it wasn't until 4 th grade that i started gaining weight (when the abuse started) and drastically started increasing in weight from 7th grade on (the time the abuse stopped).  As I shared the revelation with my mom that my weight was due to emotional /physical trauma from the abuse she too noted without me pointing it out that those are the times when I started to gain weight/weight started to become an issue.  So, as I start to address the reality of my battle with weight, it's become a journey of walking through what took place when I was a child, allowing God to take me wherever he needs to to be free.  And yesterday (or the day before.. Ithink Saturday actually) that place happened to be my anger with God.  I was angry, so angry that he didn't protect me.  I would ask God to show me where he was in those memories, and I could see him with others but not myself.  I sat on our porch (which may I add my roomie decorated BEAUTIFULLY while I was away.. it's awesome!) bawling and upset... and in that God broke through and showed himself to me, but he first had to correct a lie so I could see him.  I always saw myself, well, how I viewed myself....at fault, unworthy of love in that moment or protection.  God showed me myself as a scared little girl he comforted.  This may not sound awesome but it was.  And so we're walking this out... this release of anger, of distrust, of brokeness that causes me to shake my fists at God when He's the only one who can save me. 

I'm learning that God is my Savior.  I learned this first when I was 14, and then again when I was 18... but in those moments I learned of God as a Savior from my own sins... now I feel like God is showing me that He's the Savior of the sins that have been sinned against me.  I hope this is making sense, that is that I am communicating what I am trying to.  I knew God could redeem and cleanse me from my wrong, but I feel like what i am embarking on is the journey of being saved from the areas where others have done wrong, where others sins have impacted me and caused pain and division... and its scary.  Because God is unknown to me in that place because that place is unknown to me.. i've never walked there nor allowed myself to go there... its a place I've had walled up and boxed up for so long...

One of the pastors at the church I attend preached an amazing sermon yesterday. During it she played something from Graham Cooke  One of the things he said that impacted me was "YOu cannot find security in what God is doing--there is only security in who God is." I felt like this statement addressed the core of my wrestle with anger. I was so mad. SO mad that God didn't protect me, that He didn't spare me, that He didn't keep me safe that he didn't spare me from this.  I was so ANGRY (and I think to be honest, I'm still wrestling in some ways... BUT I am being set free and redeemed even as i type! :) ).  But as this statement addressed the core, it also brough relief.  I can't look for my security in circumstances, in what happens, in whatever comes my way.  I can't judge God on that... I need to look to his nature for security.  I need to seek His face for safety and protection.  His nature does not change.  what he does and even how he does it is aways changing... he's unpredictable and untamable... but in that His nature is good...He is GOOD.  He is FAITHFUL.  He is LOVE.  He is TRUTH.  He is MERCY.  The list goes on and on and on.... I need to rest in His nature, not in what He's doing...

Today was a day of wrestle for me.  My cousin just lost her child--4 months old....which makes me mourn for her family and reminds me of the reality in my family---I have a 1 1/2 old nephew who's very sick... and in need of a miracle... A mirace I am contending for and believing in...and yet God has to intervene or his days are very short---a couple years.... I spent most of the day crying over this...
which led to me crying over the wounds in my life.. the disappointments, the trials, the places hope has felt deferred, where I've felt like God has let me down...like the above story of mine.  And in that through his spoken word, through his personal revelation, through the love of a roomie, friends and family... and through the body of Christ gathering and allowing the Spirit to move and speak God lifted me from that.  And as I type, I am agian reminded "my security is not in what God is doing....it's in his nature/character"

I'm learning this.... I am on a journey.... God keep me on the path... let my foot not go left or right... let me not give up... let me press on with you... let me follow you well.

'til next time!
AZ